Children & Grief
Children & Grief
Death is a natural part of life, and experts recommend that children, even at a young age, should not be shielded from the reality of losing a loved one. Children can grasp the concept of death as an event and often have questions about it. The best approach is to engage in open and honest conversations with children about death, tailored to their age and understanding.
Begin by asking the child what they already know about the situation. Then, explain the situation in simple and truthful terms. For example, you might say, "Grandma's heart became too tired and stopped working, so she died."
It's crucial to avoid using phrases that might confuse or frighten the child, such as "Grandma went to sleep and won't wake up" or "God took Grandma to be with the angels." While these phrases may intend to provide comfort, children may interpret them literally and develop fears, such as fear of going to sleep.
Encourage the child to ask questions if they wish, but don't pressure them if they don't respond immediately. Younger children may ask questions like "Where is Grandma now?" or "Is my pet in heaven?" Older children may have a deeper grasp of death's finality and may ask more profound questions about faith or the meaning of life.
Regardless of the child's age, offer honest and straightforward answers using language appropriate for their comprehension level.
How do you discuss the passing of a loved one with a child?
How a child experiences grief is influenced by their age and emotional development.
Ages 2 - 7
Children up to the age of 7 typically perceive death primarily as a separation event, which can lead to feelings of abandonment and fear. They may become apprehensive about being alone and may resist sleeping alone at night or going to school.
Since young children often lack the verbal skills to express their emotions effectively, they may exhibit "acting out" behaviors instead. These behaviors could include temper tantrums, defiance towards adults, or engaging in imaginative play accompanied by role-playing. Other common behaviors, typically observed in children aged 2 to 5, may include difficulties with eating, sleeping, toileting, or bed-wetting. Children under the age of 2 might become more irritable and may suddenly stop talking altogether.
Ages 7 - 12
Children in this age group begin to grasp death as an irreversible event, often perceiving it as a direct threat to their safety and harboring fears of their own mortality. Some may employ "preventive" behaviors to safeguard themselves, seeking protection from perceived guardians or striving to exhibit bravery or goodness. Conversely, others may withdraw socially or emotionally.
Symptoms may include difficulty concentrating on schoolwork, trouble following instructions, and challenges in completing daily tasks.
Teens
Although teenagers comprehend and perceive death similarly to adults, they may express their grief in distinct ways. They might react more dramatically or engage in reckless behaviors as a means of challenging death. Behaviors such as reckless driving, smoking, drinking alcohol, using illegal drugs, or engaging in unprotected sex can be manifestations of their anxieties and grief.
Teenagers experiencing difficulty processing their loss may occasionally contemplate suicide. Warning signs of suicidal ideation in children and teens may include a preoccupation with death, discussions or thoughts of suicide, or giving away possessions.
Parents of grieving teens should monitor any changes in behavior and promptly seek professional counseling if they suspect their child may be at risk.
